On that particular morning, I woke up thinking that today is the day. Just a very random thought and as I type this I wonder did I really say that? Anyway, I made some breakfast which is an achievement. Isn’t it?
Then a voice started taking over and told me to stay put. Getting stronger with each passing minute. And soon the frustration kicked in. Now I am not alien to these things and I knew what was coming. Despite knowing it all I found myself pretty helpless.
After a few hours I tried writing like I’ve been trying for weeks now. It seems like I’ve run out of things to write. It has never been about getting readers but I’ve mostly written for myself.
And now I cannot do it (as easily).
I feel like walking now, I want to walk and keep walking until I cannot walk anymore. A few years ago I started walking and I walked for half a day and although I found no answers but I felt at peace. I felt like I had done something. I cannot go out for a walk again, cannot watch the shimmering lights and the traffic signals and people moving about.
At night- when I’d go downstairs I’d see the empty roads and bats flying from tree to tree. I’d stand there by the roadside just taking in the silence, listening to the sounds from the houses. If it would be windy you could hear some leaves moving. Sometimes a group of dogs would be across the street and they’d look at me, a few of them would raise their heads and when I won’t go they’d just go back to sleep. They must think- he is crazy or what? On some nights I’d just go for a drive. On these drives, I’d often see the riches on the road in their costly cars and their friends and I’d smile. The drives usually lasted 20-30 mins and would leave me in a better mood and with a promise of a better sleep.
For now, I fight with the voice in my head and I try and accept it. No more fights or resistance. It goes away when it has to and sometimes it needs intervention. Sometimes I damage myself and my connections and yet I learn with each passing day that it should not win. I should not give up and that I will perish if I have to but I’ll perish fighting it.