My keyboard broke and I can’t type certain letters which is a bit irritating. Now I opened the machine (took it apart) and tried working my way around it but it didn’t help. Why render the laptop completely useless? Anyway, I have a good amount of work now and one might say that I have grown used to this whole routine of working from home and I would out rightly deny it. Without even flinching.
Yesterday, I shut my work laptop at 7 and there was no electricity. My phone’s hotspot was no good and the VPN kept disconnecting and it made an extremely irritating noise. I lit a candle and sat on the dining table staring outside the window. The dying light, the sound of the eagle who was circling in the sky. I had been going on the terrace a lot and observed all sorts of birds. Eagles would make a sound that was different and parrots would have much shorter ones. I noticed that parrots also made sounds when they flew and they did in the group.
Anyway, I had gone silent at around that time for no apparent reason. A feeling, a thought nudged me and made me feel really uncomfortable.
Now I have been learning to deal with these emotions. Instead of running I accept them and do not judge them but yesterday was tough. I sat on the table staring outside the window, the light was almost out, the sky putting on a brilliant blue-black robe. The candle flickered and was giving off this nice yellow tinge to the hall.
Before I could understand I found myself lost in a train of thoughts. I was thinking about everything all at once. And then I thought about you and those evenings. The sunsets when we were out together and it made me sad, it sent a wave of distress through my whole body. Then I tried bringing myself back to the present moment and I looked at the candle. But the deed was done, I failed to stop myself from going where I wasn’t supposed to. But frankly, you tell me what could I do? I am not a superhuman after all. I break and I make myself again. I go through these cycles.
I had a small argument at dinner a few hours after this. I raised a point where someone on the table would bring something extremely negative to the conversation and I had had enough. I wanted to just put my opinion out there. A little bit of heat but it was necessary.
So yes, the keyboard is broken and I cannot type as freely as I used to. My list of To-dos grows rapidly. I am allowing myself to not be perfect and I am giving myself some leniency when I skip some tasks. This morning I was on the sofa and I started wondering that I have made things harder for myself all these years. I would never rest and calm down and I had this need to constantly be doing something or chasing life goals. To the point that it all became extremely overwhelming and made me lose focus. It is funny I still haven’t cracked what is focus and how can I have that. Like how?
Now if you’ve been reading this till now you must be wondering.
‘Why is this guy so harsh on himself?’ and ‘Why did he make things harder for himself?’ well let me assure you that I had pretty good reasons. I am not arriving at conclusions myself but yes if we happen to meet and if you are still curious then I shall open up and tell you what were the reasons.
Today, I feel a little off the track. My thoughts are funny, my body feels weird but hey I will make it. Like I said I am trying to change things slowly. Very slowly. One thing at a time. One small change for big results. I really have no idea if it is going to work but a man must try. Right?
Lastly, like Robert Frost said,
‘In Three Words, I Can Sum Up Everything I’ve Learned About Life. It Goes On’.Tweet