From the 3rd of this month

And my muscles ache and the void that exists is nowhere close to being covered.
The days go by and I find myself lost out there. The distractions lose their effect and reality scratches and exposes itself. I accept today that I am bad when it comes to keep moving. It is not my strength. I give myself the task of building myself again. I need to break down the old habits and the old me and then rework on it.

A friend sent me a photograph from 2018. It is from a drive we took and I am posing with a grin, I look extremely thin but happy. All this would fade away very soon (the grin), before midnight. Tomorrow is not a usual day, something different. But yes, it was a long drive and I had enjoyed it because I drove after a month or so. Today I have to force myself to remember all of this, I have to sit down and force myself to remember all that happened. The wonderful drives in various states of the country.

And now I realize I have to write and post my work no matter how crappy it is. That is the only way out I see. I need to force myself to do it. I need to write on paper and burn it. Burn things that should go away. Or just write and be done with it. Some lines I wrote:

बात है तीन तारीख की
एक अहसास हुआ
की मुझसे आगे बढ़ना नहीं आता
तो बात है तीन तारीख की

Translation:
This is from 3rd of this month
I realized something
That I do not know how to keep moving on
So, this is from the 3rd of this month

Then I went blank. I couldn’t move ahead and I found myself stuck. I became a helpless animal who gets stuck in a barbed wire that humans set up. Or a bear that gets its leg trapped in the bear trap.

But yes, feel free if you have anything to suggest to me when it comes to keep moving or writing or anything, to be honest.

To more mediocre writing.

-J

P.S. I am reading this 🙂

Little Birds by Anaïs Nin

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